An Internet list on who reads some bigger newspapers

Capt. Bill Sheehan, the conservationist who founded Hackensack Riverkeeper, keeps an office on Main Street in Hackensack, above and below, not that far from the river for which he advocates.

By VICTOR E. SASSON
EDITOR

Why do you read The Record of Woodland Park? 

Do you sit up and beg for local news? 

Read the obituaries to see if someone you know died? 

Or wish you could gorge on desserts and other food made with lots of butter and cream like the restaurant critic, and have someone else pay the bill?

Here is a list of bigger newspapers some wag compiled and circulated on the Internet, and who supposedly reads them:

1.        The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2.       The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3.       The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4.       USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times.

5.       The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6.       The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it.

7.       The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8.       The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9.       The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison and used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.

10.    The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

11.     The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

12.    The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

13.    The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.