How to get paid for overeating

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A northern New Jersey newspaper is seeking a food and health editor in a posting that appears on the Web site of the University of Honolulu School of Sumo Wrestling. Here are excerpts:

"Get paid for overeating. Successful candidate will indulge his or her obsession for cake, cookies and other high-calorie desserts, then include every detail in the food pages, and urge readers to sample hamburgers that may contain cattle feces.


"Dysfunctional eaters are welcome, especially if you don't feel an obligation to report on the obesity epidemic and what readers can do to eat healthy.


"You will spend most of your time editing recipes from other sources, which you are welcome to pass off as your own. Recipes should be complicated; the more steps, the better. When using seafood recipes, pick fish that is endangered or has the most mercury, and feature pork as much as possible, because it is raised with the most antibiotics.

"You will need a car in good working order so you can drive around and chronicle the opening and closing of every bagel shop and pizzeria in North Jersey for your blog.

"The successful candidate will supervise a number of young writers still struggling to find their voices, including a Sunday columnist who writes from the restaurant owners' point of view far more than from the customer's perspective.

"Do not apply if you are interested in helping readers make intelligent choices at supermarkets and specialty stores by buying naturally raised meat and poultry, fruits and vegetables and wild-caught fish.


"Do not apply if you believe restaurant reviews should discuss the origin and quality of the food served.


"Do not apply if you plan to argue for revival of the Food section rather than presiding over a decline in food coverage.


"You will be working for a witch, whose knowledge of food is suspect, and you won't be paid as much as your predecessor. The witch will complain incessantly about how much money you are spending, and she has been known to try and get rid of employees who ask to be reimbursed for expenses she considers too high.

"The successful candidate will be in their late 20s or early 30s, because the witch likes to work only with people she can push around.

 "Your features copy editors are pathetic, so don't worry about being accurate; they wouldn't know an error if it bit them on their collective asses."

Any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental.